The Ultimate Pitching Staff of Women....

Well, since we have a couple of weeks here, we may as well have some fun.

Thus, I will now lay out my own Ultimate Pitching Staff of Women.

This concept basically goes as such: you take the cutest girls in the world, pick the best ones, in the mold of a major league pitching staff. You have starting pitchers, you have a bullpen, you have a closer.

The origins of this concept are sketchy. I thought a buddy of mine came up with this, and never heard of it outside that "circle". Others have told me this was on a "Friends" Episode... Others have said radio DeeJays came up with it... Whatever. Also, if you're not a big baseball fan, and don't grasp the particulars of a pitching staff, don't worry, this is just for fun.

Also, we are setting aside the tricky questions of "in her prime", and things of that nature. I mean, Sharon Stone, in her prime, is a starting pitcher. Today?? Ehhh, probably not. We're just saying, today, or near today. Recent work.

Also, with apologies to Jake, Dalton, and the other young bucks who read this... There will be pictures, but this is not bikinis and whipped cream and other nonsense. This will be safe for work. And it probably skews too old for you guys anyway, so.... Full disclosure, I am between 43 and 49, how about that for a range...

Now then, here we go!

The Ultimate Pitching Staff

#1 Starter: Marissa Miller

If I needed to win game 6 of the World Series, my ultimate starting pitcher, she is it.







Here she is in a True Religion Jeans ad... Yow, I think I'd like a pair of those...





#2 Starter: Kate Beckinsale

She's probably a #1 on many staffs, but we're talking about a dream team here, so, sadly, Ms. Beckinsale will be our #2 starter. Who can forget her from "Underworld" or "Serendipity". Serendipity, by the way, should be seen for Kate Beckinsale alone, but also, it is a good movie, and funny...


Uhh, can I get a sip of that Diet Coke??? Thanks!

And who can forget Selene from "Underworld"??? Nobody...




#3 Starter: Uma Thurman

Again, an awfully strong pitcher, could be a #1 anywhere else... Except here. A classic beauty no doubt...







And who can forget her from "Kill Bill"??? Nobody...



#4 Starter: Charlize Theron

Yes, the Pride of South Africa has to be a starter on my staff here...






"The Italian Job", a fun movie that should be seen....


#5 Starter: Megan Fox

Real tough choice. Suffice it to say, someone from the bullpen could take her spot at any moment, but for now, we'll go with her. Rumors are that Michael Bay is trying desperately to cast someone else for "Transformers 3", so, you'll have to catch her work in the first 2 movies on Blu-Ray from here on out...



Who can forget this scene from the first "Transformers" Movie?? NObody...


On to the bullpen. First, a couple of Specialists.

8th Inning Setup / Short Relief: Ali Larter

If you don't watch "Heroes", you've never seen her, you have no clue who she is. Very very underrated. Needs to get 1 big breakout movie role to be the next Sharon Stone. She did have a supporting role in "Resident Evil: Extinction", you may have seen her there....






9th Inning Closer: Maria Sharapova

Professional Tennis Player "slash" modeling sensation, she has actually won a few tennis tourneys, and is awfully good looking...







Bullpen (in no particular order)

Shana Hiatt: Shana Hiatt used to host the "World Poker Tour". Besides being great looking, she knew something about cards, had a repor with the players, and did a nice job during interviews of asking the right question at the right time. Since she left, they've plowed through a dozen replacements, each more amazingly lame than the last.... They oughta call her back tomorrow, and give her whatever she wants...




Milla Jovovich: You either like her or you don't. I like. You gotta love her in the "Resident Evil" series of movies. Also was in a wacky sci-fi space opera called "The Fifth Element" with Bruce Willis and Gary Oldman. I was teetering on giving her the 5th starter spot....






Ashley Judd: Besides being a University of Kentucky sports fan, you never see her anymore, which is a real shame. She was in "Heat", one of the greatest movies ever made... she was in a detective thing with Morgan Freeman, called "Kiss The Girls", great movie... She's married to Indy 500 winning driver Dario Franchitti... And I am told she is in the new Duane Johnson (AKA The Rock) movie "Tooth Fairy".... Probably should be the 5th Starter...





Alyson Hannigan Possibly a reach, but she's cute in her own way...




Stana Katic If you're not watching "Castle", you should be... Great show. Besides the fact that Detective Beckett is on the show, it's a fun show. The more I see her, the more I like her...




Jennifer Garner I couldn't leave her off. I couldn't do it. If you haven't seen "The Kingdom", you should, there's a wonderful running gun battle on the freeway that is a must see.




I seem to be out of spots on my roster.... Which is quite amazing. Let's look at a couple of fine pitchers who ended up staying in the minors after spring training... I just don't have enough roster spots....

Courteney Cox How is Courteney Cox not on the roster??? I don't know, It's crazy. She likes motorcycles, and puppies, and she's cute. I'm shaking my head in disbelief right now....


I honestly dug this up from an old motorcycle magazine, from one of their "Celebrities and Motorcycles" issues. This is seriously the young Courteney Cox, on her own motorcycle that she rode regularly... I can hear you now, you're saying "Get the Eff outta here!!" I will not get the Eff outta here, this is MY blog, and I'm telling you, that's Courteney Cox...



Natasha Henstridge Seriously, how can she NOT be on the roster. Go rent "Species", and then tell me "No, she's not on the roster." Absurd. Who made this list, anyways??? I gotta talk to that guy....


Jessica Alba She has to be on the list, right???


Anyways, enjoy. There's more that didn't make the cut either, but the arguing about the list is half the fun, so send those emails!!! The Favre hating emails are bound to slow down, so, I'll need something else to fill my inbox....

Later.

Super Bowl Looming....

Hey, good morning.

Well, I delivered a 4-0 weekend for you, fellow gambling degenerates (and young degenerates-in-waiting...) I am now 9-7 on the season. I'd like to forget last week... Without last week I'm 8-1.

I'm sure Viking fans would like to forget yesterday. I observed yesterday (and I can supply signed affidavits) that "If the Vikings lose here, this is going to be brutal brutal shades of 1998 all over again..."

Of course you recall in 98 that the 15-1 Vikings hosted an upstart fiesty Atlanta team for the NFC Championship. Vikings were heavy favorites. Gary Anderson, their field goal kicker, had just finished an entire season with no missed extra points or field goals... A feat that never happened before or since. Game turns out to be close, and in the final moments, Anderson missed a chip shot field goal badly, sending the Vikings home. And two weeks later, Atlanta got housed in the Super Bowl, complete no-shows, blasted 34-19 by the same Denver Broncos who beat our beloved Packers the year before.

So, as of this morning, I'm sure my Brother In Law is in a straight jacket, locked in a padded cell, screaming obscenities, waiting for his next dose of painkillers...

I wonder if Favre Hating Nation actually pooled their money and payed the Vikings Offensive Line to "lay down" yesterday, and let Favre get blasted... Yeesh, what a hellacious beating. You may think I'm kidding, but I'm not. Make no mistake, there is a lotta hate out there. When Favre tries to throw that block on the end-around, and gets jacked up big time, there are people leaping out of their lazy boy recliners screaming with glee.... When he throws that pick in overtime, (very eerily reminiscent of the pick in OT at Lambeau vs the Giants, his last Pass as a Packer), believe me, half this state is still high fiving this morning, loving every minute of it.

Oddly enough, the playoffs have delivered us BOTH #1 seeds for the Super Bowl... when's the last time THAT happened....

Anyways, this is a great chance to educate the young gamblers out there about a POINT SPREAD. What is a point spread??? Is it a butter substitute??? No. Some emails I get clearly indicate to me that people in general are confused or somehow are not grasping the concept of a point spread, so rather than pick on people, and embarrass them, let me just go over this real quick.

Vikings vs Saints (-4)

What does that mean?? That means the Saints are FAVORED by 4 points. Betting a "side" in this game (lets say the Vikings) is an "even money" proposition, thus to EQUALIZE the game to an even-money coin flip type situation, the BETTER team has to SUBTRACT POINTS at the end of the game.

So, the game ends:

Vikings 28
Saints 31

Now for BETTING PURPOSES, the game ends:

Vikings 28
Saints 31 (-4) = 27

So, the Vikings won the betting side of this. If you bet the Vikings, you won your money, even though they lost the game.

See the (-4) there?? That's what that means. To make the game a "coin flip", Saints will subtract 4 points. Vegas bookmakers set that line, and then take bets on it. Thus, the (-4) means that Vegas feels the Saints, at home, are 4 points better than the Vikings.

Now, you might hear somebody say "The Vikings Covered." What does that mean?? Well, they were underdogs, so another way to look at that result is:

Vikings 28 (+4) = 32
Saints 31

By finishing WITHIN the 4 points, even though they didn't WIN the game, they did COVER THE SPREAD, thus WINNING the bet.

Anyways, I'll have more analysis later... We have 2 weeks now until the Colts - Saints Super Bowl...

Just to get you thinking, the Saints Colts Super Bowl has opened at Colts (-5). Multiple choice question:

The line is Saints vs Colts (-5). This means:

a. Vegas thinks the Colts are 5 points better than the Saints on a neutral field.
b. If the Saints lost by 3, you would win the money if you bet the Saints.
c. If the Colts win by 6, you win if you bet the Colts.
d. If the Saints win by 4, you win if you bet the Saints.
e. If the Colts win by 4, you win if you bet the Colts.
f. All of the Above
g. None of the Above
h. a and b only are correct.
i. a,b,c,d only are correct.

Good luck. Answer next week. (And if you don't KNOW this answer COLD, definitely DO NOT open an account at bodog.com or betus.com, please!!!! Please, I'm begging... Don't do it until you grasp what the eff a point spread is!!!)

Conference Champs: Line forms at 3 PM...

Hey, how's it going....

Yeah, I know. I stunk with my picks last week. Stunk. Ugh. Puke. Disgusting.

Could we have some more bad kicking please??? Wow. Breathtaking. So listen, Nigel, Ian, Gabe, Nick, Jake, Kevin, everyone, allayou slobs, GET OUT THERE AND KICK!!!

I would do it myself, but I'm almost old enough to collect social security, okay, the train has left the station on my place kicking career. But YOU, you have a life! You are young, and full of potential!!

So, I'll spare you the gory details, I was 1-6 last week. That moves me to 5-6 overall. That's not good.

So this week, let's just keep it simple:

Sunday, January 24th:

3 Eastern, Jets at Indy (-8)

People seem to think this line is too big, and the Jets will play a close game, and they want the Jets and the points. Don't outsmart yourself here. Indy is the better team. This could be a big blowout. The Jets, the last 2 weeks, have had 5 field goals missed against them. 5 straight. Hasn't happened in the NFL since like the late 80's. Is that going to continue?? Probably not. Is Jim Caldwell going to turn into Norv Turner and start making absurd decisions late in the ballgame to cost his team the win?? Seems unlikely. Honestly, I'm still sitting here, with this bizarre feeling, like, I must have left the San Diego game early or something, and missed the part where they came back and won the game... They couldn't REALLY have lost, could they??? Beaten by the Jets?? In their own place?? Really?? Naaah, that's ridiculous...

Take Indy.

Also take the over, over 39 (although this is 40 to 41 at some books).

6:40 Eastern, Minnysoda at New Orleans (-4):

A line like this tells me Vegas doesn't know what to do with this game. Saints are at home, that should be a 3 point advantage. So they're basically saying "Okay, whatever, make it 4, we'll see where the public takes this one..." I personally think Minnesota played a great game last weekend. They beat a big, tough Cowboys team. Yes, Jason Garrett's game plan was ridiculous, and Wade has a real gift for punting at the wrong time, and going on 4th at the wrong time... But you still have to beat human monsters like Igor Olshansky and Leonard Davis down after down... and they did that.

I think ya gotta take Minnesota and the points. Over 53, take that too.

I am now putting on my football helmet, shoulder pads, hip pads, flak jacket, ready to receive the angry emails from Favre Hating Nation. Ooops, almost forgot, I gotta recharge the battery on my electric pallet jack... Lotta emails to move around here, it's easier to palletize, and throw them in the warehouse of hate.

Thus, your slate is:

INdy -8
Over 39

Minnesota +4
Over 53

Last week: 1-6
Postseason: 5-7

Seeing these games, it becomes painfully obvious where the Packers are going wrong. Let's look at the defense. Do we have an animal like Jared Allen on our defense?? Ahhh, no. This guy, they leave him in a cage all week, throw in a raw sirloin a couple times a day, and on Sunday, they let him out, and he goes onto a field painted with lines and destroys people.... 6-6, 260. He's a beast, plain and simple. Allen was drafted by Kansas City, hit with the franchise tag a couple times, and finally traded to Minnesota in April 2008. Ted Thompson, call your office, this dude was available!!! Available.

How about Igor Olshansky of the Dallas Cowboys?? Do the Packers have a dude like this?? This guy is a 6-6 beast, 330 lbs of angry Ukranian. He played college ball for the Oregon Ducks. To this day, he holds the bench press record at the University of Oregon, 505 pounds. Drafted by the San Diego Chargers 35th overall in 2004. March 6th, 2009, he signed a 4 year contract with the Dallas Cowboys. Ted Thompson, pick up the white courtesy telephone.... Igor Olshansky WAS AVAILABLE!!! Available!!! Who doesn't want a monstrous angry Ukranian dude on their D-line???

The Packers Offensive line is a mess, truly. Leonard Davis. Guard for the Dallas Cowboys. A monster at 6-6, 360 pounds. Drafted by Arizona in 2004, in 2007 he was left as an unrestricted free agent, and signed with the Dallas Cowboys. Made a Pro Bowl as a Cowboy in 2007. Ted, your pager is going off, please call your office. This. Dude. Was. AVAILABLE.

So, the next time someone says the Packers are trying to "win now", you have to call BS on that. These are just a sprinkling of free agents who have passed right by during the Ted Thompson administration... Free agents on other teams that all went deeper into the playoffs than we did.

Imagine what we could be, if our GM, just once in awhile, dipped his foot in the free agent pool....

Later kids. Enjoy. I think Minnesota - New Orleans is going to be a helluva game.